‘An it’s-too-nice-out-to-be-chained-to-a-computer story featuring funny signs, though not necessarily about Spring’

Okay okay. I have a zillion ideas for stories that should amuse the bejeepers out of you. I’ve got trip stories, like the one about when we went to Rome right after Chernobyl and nobody was there. Or the one where we left The Child by the side of the road next to a pueblo.

I’ve got ad-biz stories, like the one where we went to South Africa for a diaper shoot and the baby wrangler would only eat foods that started with ‘C’. Or the one where I got lost finding my office in the new Ogilvy digs at Worldwide Plaza and wound up in a British documentary.

And of course I still have plenty of fuel left in the family-story tank — plus major holdings indeed in the growing-up-in-a-small-town memory bank.

But. It is Spring. And Spring is distracting. I’ve been so distracted that the photo at the top of this post was mistakenly snapped by my iPhone-clutching hand while strolling along checking out Spring in New York City. (Actually, I was in a rush to deliver some crutches to The Child, who had just sprained her ankle badly in a fall from a climbing wall — but that’s, ahem, another story.)

Photo taken while wandering lonely as a cloud. If one can ‘wander’ while on a bike

And then this weekend, while on a bike ride out in Amagansett, hoping to clear my head and focus — focus, already — on a story, I found signs of Spring springing out at me from every which way.

But then I had it: Signs! I’ll pack a post with signs, and then I only have to write the bits in between. See, the other thing I do when I’m out and about is ‘collect’ signs that I find amusing. Here. I’ll stop writing and show you one.

This one’s in the thanks-but-no-thanks category

I see lots of at-least-to-me amusing signs while on walks. In fact, I have a whole sub-category on dry cleaning establishments alone. For some reason, I find that dry cleaning signs just beg for wisecracks. ‘Hand Laundry’ — how specialized! ‘Joseph Cleaners’ — but what if Mary gets dirty? ‘Delta Cleaners’ — wow, big job! And then there’s this recent one:

Now that’s a niche market, for sure

Of course, my very favorite, the Dry Cleaning Sign of All Time, which I spied before I wised up and started taking pictures of them, was (I kid you not) ‘Wong Cleaners’.

But wait, there’s more. Because, trust me, even if all the dry cleaners went bust, the streets of New York are full of comic material. As well as purveyors of knockoff ‘designer’ handbags, costume jewelry, and fruit. Lots and lots of fruit, sold by guys from carts who take breaks in trucks.

This guy was apparently trying to ward off the parking-ticket-pushers. If you check out the dozens of slips under the wipers, you’ll see his method wasn’t entirely successful. Maybe he needs a new sign

Speaking of trucks, I sometimes spot ‘my’ signs from a moving (or stuck in traffic) vehicle. Here’s one I spotted on the ramp leading down from the Queensboro Bridge. It’s rather subtle, but as a former advertising writer and creator of slogans, I find it rather unintentionally amusing.

Maybe I’m the only one who finds this one unintentionally amusing. But no, Doctor Dude did too

Reminded me of the sign I see every time I leave the City to go to Amagansett. I’m usually jockeying for traffic position, so I haven’t been able to get a good shot, but I did send it in to the New York Times.

Printed in the Metropolitan Diary, a feature that appears on Mondays in the Times

Of course New York isn’t the only City with amusing signs. Here’s one I just love, taken on a not-recent-enough visit to my Mother’s place in Seaside, Oregon:

Taken on the main drag in Seaside, after a delicious dinner (not featuring donuts or Bud Light) across the street at Dooger’s

But you don’t need a streetscape to find good signs. If you keep your eyes and your mind open, you’ll see them practically everywhere. Those of you who have read my stories for a while know that I have a particular fondness for ‘Danger’ signs. (Check out ‘Oh no, Danger Man’ for hilarious examples.) Here’s a shot of a ‘Danger’ sign that combines two pleasures — a visit with family and civil disobedience:

Nobody-Doesn’t-Like Jen defies the sign in classic married-to-a-Henry-so-that-explains-it fashion

I could go on and on, but even lazy-butt Spring-Fever-induced blog posts crammed with signs have to end sometime. Besides, I have to get outside and check to see if the magnolia blossoms are out yet. (We have some rather spectacular specimens right outside our front door, as you can see from this photo taken during another equally-distracting Spring.) Oh, and you never know. I might see another silly sign to snap.

Wishing everyone a super-distracting Spring, with little or no Fever

New York City. April 2017